Is This My Life Now? My Life as a Pilot Spouse

Recently, I wrote a letter to a newlywed who was marrying a (new) pilot. The letter was full of sweet advice...some of which I need to still learn myself! Unlike her, I had been married for a few years before my husband decided to be a pilot. But before that, he was in the Navy; all this to say that I have grown quite used to being by myself. We've just traded an aircraft carrier and the Navy for actual aircraft and hotel rooms in various parts of the country. But now that we have a kid, I feel even lonelier and absolutely crazy without him here some weeks. And I am constantly asking myself at what point did we become so settled in our lives like this?

Truth be told, we are only starting out in the craziness that is the pilot world. My husband has only been working full time at a charter company for several months and is at the point where he can join the semi-major airline companies (I'm not talking Delta or American...not yet. He's still playing minor league). It is easy to have a woe is me mindset in this situation. It is easy to be overwhelmed in this situation. We never know when we are going to be leaving Texas for good or where we will end up next. We have had hopes of moving to North Carolina, hopes of moving to Dallas...none have panned out YET. But I have to remind myself that he is doing what he LOVES so that we can live the life that we want.

We are trading hard days and long nights for the possibility of a brighter future where we are both doing what we love. And that is how we have to view it in order for our marriage to succeed in this type of situation.

It has been an eventful ride thus far. And it has been difficult for people in our lives to keep track of where we are living or what we are doing from one day to the next. From crazy schedules to weeks of an absentee husband and father, this life has its ups and downs. So this is somewhat of an explanation of our life at the moment!

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1. Crazy Schedule(s): We both graduated, respectively with our BS and MA at the same time in December 2016. While he was able to jump right into working with his degree, I stepped into a field completely unrelated to my degree and we put our daughter in daycare M-F, 8-5. We were fortunate that it allowed both of us to work and have a life at the same time. At that point, his schedule was on a contract basis. So he did not work that much and I paid the bills with my more stable paycheck(s). But now, I have not worked full-time since January 2, 2018. Coincidentally that was the same day he signed on to work full-time for his current employer. So I have had more time to sit and think about him while he's gone because I have not had work to distract me.

I was bitter about that...about missing out on opportunities at my job because of his crazy schedule (I won't lie. I still am.)

Missing out on opportunities is hard for me. Shortly after I went on a leave of absence from my day job, I had to completely walk away from my night job as a barista. When my friends ask me to cover their shifts or work for a few days a month, I always have to tell them "There's a difference between wanting to and being able to...unfortunately, I can't commit to anything." Anyone who has ever worked with me knows that I love to work. It is really hard for me when I cannot focus my energy into something outside of the house. (It is partly why I have been dedicating a lot of time and energy into my writing for both this new blog and various websites that are not my own.)

His crazy schedule- in all of it's unpredictably- also means that he misses out on a lot of things going on at home. Tonight I took our daughter to her first ever school orientation and meet the teacher night. Sure, it's just Head Start...but had he been there, we would have been ecstatic. Dealing with crazy schedules with pilots is just the beginning of the ice berg. I've heard it gets better...I can wish! When the perks come, they will be great...I mean, flying whenever I want? I can get used to that.

2. Long Distance: Our relationship began as a long-distance thing. We met when he was visiting friends in my home town. And after we started talking, he would drive down quite frequently from where he was stationed in south east Virginia. Quite frequently soon turned into every weekend. And pretty soon, we were engaged and then married. As newlyweds, we spent a lot of time apart. I started university, and he went on deployment. As when we were dating, it allowed me the time to focus on myself and finishing school. However, as a married person, I couldn't keep a job and it was really difficult for me to make friends. (We like to joke now, that I am the complete opposite when it comes to these things. Especially with knowing so many people in every town where we move). I was depressed. And it took a few years for me to regain a sense of self and an identity separate from my husband's. The longer it went on, the easier it was to get used to and I actually began to love my alone time. (I even had a roommate when he was on deployment).

Long distance HAD to work for us throughout the entire beginning of our relationship. It HAS to work now.

So it's almost easier for us than for many other couples to slide back into that aspect of our lives. Easier for us...but not for our daughter.

3. Raising Kids: We had our daughter while he was finishing his Aviation degree and I was finishing my Art History degree. Was it easy? NO! Far from easy. Tears were shed. Fights were had. I never knew how selfish either of us was until we had her. *(Don't roll your eyes)* Have you ever heard of the term "married single mom"? No? Neither had I until recently when I realized that's what our life looked like. And honestly, I'm not bitter about that. It's a truth that both my husband and myself have come to terms with. We both contribute to the family in different ways.

So if my kid is acting like a brat, I guess blame me...because I'm home with her 75% of the time...if not more.

It's not comparable to a divorce. I have our daughter all the time. She goes everywhere with me. She's even shown up for a couple of work shifts every now and then. She makes the point to tell her daddy that "mommy takes me to work. I go to work with you now." She doesn't understand why she can't spend all of her time with him since she gets to go everywhere with me: doctor's appointments, trips home to visit family, etc (Her daddy has flown her in his work/school planes. But she has only ever flown commercially with me...and for her young age, the amount is actually quite a bit). She sleeps with me when he's not home. And I wouldn't change it...now, when he is home, she sleeps in her bed about 30% of the time.

I am not a single mom in the ways that everyone might think. When I meet people, I am always quick to say that my husband (and her dad) is a pilot and has a crazy schedule. So often times, it's me dealing with everything relating to her life: birthday parties, school events, doctor's appointments, etc.

4. His Life Is Not Glamorous *Not Yet Anyway*:

We flying first class Up in the sky Poppin' champagne Livin' my life In the fast lane And I won't change For the glamorous, oh the flossy flossy

We get it Fergie...your life is G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S. But what about the guy (or gal) flying your plane? Hmmm?

This is one thing that might seem odd to any readers who are not familiar with the life of a pilot. Later on down the line, pilots have more control over their schedules. And their pay rises as they go up the ranks and move into the major airlines. But for as much as my husband travels and flies wealthy people around in their private planes, he doesn't get paid that much. Now, before any of you say "Wow, Rachel. Be grateful." I am. 100%. You'd have to understand where we came from. Our first year in Texas, we made a COMBINED total of roughly $14,000. "How'd you live?," you may find yourself asking. And to be honest, I am not entirely sure. But we didn't starve. So for us, me at least, we are living the life right now.

I went in for a job interview over the summer and when I learned what the salary was, my jaw dropped. When I told family members and friends, they were shocked for different reasons. But what they didn't realize, or failed to remember, is that we have been forced to live with much less. Life definitely is not the most glamorous yet, but things are looking up, and for that we are forever grateful. *I should make note that the idea of leading a glamorous life is different for us than for other people, I am sure. We just want to have our debt paid off, live in a decent house, and still be able to afford to go on trips...oh...and own a washer and a dryer. "Rachel! Calm down! That's too much!" But really...at this point in our lives, those are the finer things!*

Would you like living in random hotels in strange places? I didn't think so. And I know that it is hard for him. As much as he enjoys the peace and quiet, I would like to think that he misses his family. It is really difficult when he is gone for multiple days at a time. It is hard on me because our daughter is pretty high-maintenance (That is a whole other article for another day). It is hard for her because she misses her daddy. It is hard for him because the hotels don't offer the same comfort of home and he sleeps in different beds - none of which are ours. It has taken a while, and I still feel this way sometimes, but I have to understand that he isn't off living some glamorous life without us. It sucks. But it is necessary for him to get from point A to point B in his career.

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Being married to, or being in a relationship with, a pilot is no easy task. That is why marriages and relationships are constantly failing in this line of work. It's unfortunate...and is known as AIDS...Aviation Induced Divorce Syndrome. I came across it in another blog the other day and It's something I pray never happens to us. I hope this article helps our friends and family to better understand our situation. We'd love to answer any questions you may have!