Let’s Talk About: Mom Shaming and How It Hurts Your Friends or Family More Than You May Realize

Raising kids is hard. As moms, we should lift each other up.

“Being a parent is sooooo easy,” one of my little bonus summer-kids deemed to me one late afternoon in June. At 9 years old, I am not sure where she got her information. 

Easy it is not. Enjoyable? Sometimes. 

 If we are going to be honest with ourselves about the actualities of parenting, the “nitty gritty, my kid just screamed for 3 hours straight, scraping the bottom of the barrel type of days,” we will soon realize that we are not alone. And we should not be made to feel that way. Just ask your neighbor ‘Susan’, or a co-worker. If they say parenting is easy, chances are they are more than likely stretching the truth. And sometimes, yes, I will hide the truth by using humorous parenting anecdotes. But most days, I could not do this without a solid team. My husband. My East Texas friends, my North Carolina friends, my family...but what happens when one of those factions surprises you with their lack of belief in you as a parent? 

Some days, as mothers, we may find ourselves locked away in the bathroom or a bedroom closet (Proudly raises hand...) just attempting to wrap our minds around how difficult it is to actually be a parent. Countless hours of tears wept and sleep lost just to be there for our children. 

And not just ‘there...’ I mean being a present, focused, energetic, parent. (Does that only exist in fairy-tales?) We should not be made to feel bad about our downfalls in parenting. Trust me, we already feel bad enough. 

Correcting the haters: One day recently, on a trip back home to eastern North Carolina to visit family, it was made apparent to me (by more than one family member!) that “there is something wrong” with my three-year-old daughter. Am I allowed to say that? Yeah. I am. (And I often do. Toddlers are crazy creatures!) Can my husband voice his opinion on her hysterical, yet often frustrating, antics? For sure. We have that solace in each other. A safe space. And I often yearn for that in my chosen community: a safe space to discuss what is really bothering us. But a lot of times, it comes down to a lack of understanding on each party’s behalf. Which leads to not divulging what is really bothering us. That in itself is not healthy. I have yet to lose a friend because of a misunderstanding in our parenting styles. Have I not spoken to family members for our miscommunications? A lot, especially recently now that I have two nieces. But that does not mean I do not appreciate them all the other times they have cheered me up when my daughter was acting out. Or the countless hours spent crying with me over the phone or FaceTime. 

Shut out the haters, but don’t do it just because they upset you. Set them straight and explain to them how you feel about the situation. 

Supporting Players Community in parenting is not a new concept.

The saying goes that “it takes a village to raise a child.” Plenty of my friends and family would agree to this statement, as would many readers of this site. When done the right way, having a community in this adventure we call parenting, can benefit both parent and child. “You’re sending her to head-start?” A friend recently said, with a look of disgust clearly visible on her face. A look that said more than her comment of surprise ever could in 5 words. I could only nod my head and later return home to East Texas and spend too much of my time having been made to feel guilty about something which my husband and I have been working on for the past several months. 

After a year-long stint in a private daycare, the issues which my daughter experienced grew so bad, to the point that we were asked to remove her. All in the span of less than 24 hours, I went from working 5 days a week, to staying at home full-time with my daughter. Now, I am beyond thankful that I have been able to stay at home and not worry about the finances. But to be made to feel that I should want to stay home, as opposed to working, is not that friend’s job as someone close to me. 

If you feel the need to comment on something outside of your control, try your best to be neutral about it, for your friend or family member’s sake. A little bit of grace goes a long way. 

Cut it out

It is human nature to have an opinion. Furthermore, it is also human nature to want to give our opinions out freely like candy on Halloween. So what if your mom-friend lets their son wear nail polish? So what if a friend lets their kid wander around naked? Are they being fed? Are they healthy? Are they loved?

Then cut out the negative frame of mind in regards to other people’s parenting style and children. Be a friend. Be a sister. Be a mom. Be a grandmother. Check on them. Make sure they aren’t in tears half the day...make sure you aren’t the reason for those tears. Go visit them and give them a break. Parenting is hard enough as it is. We don’t need to add extra stress in our lives because of minor disagreements. 

So, what should we do instead of mom shaming our fellow moms?

• Lift each other up. 

• Be there for them when they do ask for advice.

• Look out for each other...have each other’s back.

The list could go on forever. The moral of the story is that none of us are perfect. Practice love and grace a bit more. Every mom has a little voice in the back of her head that yells lies at her. You aren’t enough. You should try harder. Your kids are going to grow up and be ruined. Be that voice of reason for those around you that says the exact opposite. You are enough. You are trying your hardest. And those kids will grow up just fine because you love them. “You are braver than you believe. You are stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” - A.A. Milne